14th February, Wednesday 11:11 pm
I miss him, or actually, I don’t. I just miss us. I miss the time we spent, the time we didn’t spend together, the chance I gave him, the chance we didn’t get, the love I felt and he didn’t, the way he broke me can never be healed now, it’s never going to be the same again, never. He broke me so badly that I’ve even forgotten where have I kept those broken pieces. I lay like a broken doll, a broken toy, that can never be the way it used to be earlier. It can’t imagine it’s life further, like playing again because it’s afraid of being walked over and over again, because this has happened so many times now, that it has lost hope. And today after such a long time, it expressed something, I don’t know where her feelings were in this time, but yes, it finally expressed. And I don’t know what to say now, because these emotions it held inside, are not even on the verge of getting out, they want to stay safe inside, killing the person holding it, like a sharp knife in the palm, piercing the skin, the nerves, but isn’t stopping, the same feelings do to me, it kills me inside, rips me apart, when you are not capable of breathing, it doesn’t kill you, it lets you feel each and every pain till your last breath. And then you live with the pain, so used to be with pain that you don’t want to leave it, you just wanna stay where you are, with the pain covering you up. You stay almost lifeless, do the things you used to, but not in the same way as earlier. Everything has changed henceforth. These winds, silence, rain, nothing matters now, everything looks the same – be it the weather, other people or yourself. These things don’t fascinate me anymore because the life I’m living outside is not the one I’m living on the inside. I’m afraid to say this but yes, I’ve lost myself, I’ve grown emotionless, I don’t feel anything, won’t feel anything anymore. The things people do for me, I want to say thank you for that but I can’t because I don’t feel it, I don’t feel the happiness they give, the happiness they want to see on my face – is lost. I don’t know how to fake a smile or how to keep them happy when I’m not. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I’m just lost in the thought of knowing what to do with myself.